Massivemanatee’s Future

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I have a crew neck sweatshirt that says “#Massivemanatee” with my name on the back… there is no way this blog is going down just because the school year has ended. If anything, it shall be revived! AHHHHHHHHHHHH LONG LIVE THE MISCELLANEOUS HISTORICAL BOTTLE CAP FACTS.

Honestly though with it being summer and all, there might be a couple of surprise. Trying new things, writing just to write, etc, etc.

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Concluding Personal Notions

The time has come to end my personal spiels, it was a good run while it lasted. I now understand the different type of difficulty that comes with writing personal blog posts, and that was something only obtainable through experience. I would have continued to spend my time gypping about how unfair it is that other people do not have to do research for their blog posts, and how much tedious effort goes into mine. But this no longer necessarily. I am content with my history blogs. Doing the research for them is far more thought provoking than anything I have written recently. Not until doing this side bar experiment did I realize how boring your own thoughts become. I thought it would be fun to run with all the daily notions i think of, all the things i thought were so deep and worth of being one-thousand word blog posts. Too funny. Sure, in the beginning i was able to pump out some solid ideas; things that i definitely considered worth reading. Ever since those first few posts I’ve just been scrapping by, trying to do it for a long enough time period that i wouldn’t be regarded as a pansy. I felt like a pansy. Why is it so difficult and why would people choose to continue it for a whole year?! how could you ever ask yourself questions beyond what you already think. Thought provoking ideas do not self generate very often, and when they do, it’s usually very difficult to mold them into a text post. That is why I regard massivemanatee so highly. The history aspect enables me to have a platform for thoughts and interpretations without being completely left of center.It’s a great feeling to be able to take something as plain as lipstick and try to connect in some way to gender roles and how it has influenced or defined the position of women in society.

I’m not sure how my peers have done it. Built anything without a foundation. I know after trying for multiple weeks now that I am not capable of maintaining this format and genuinely don’t enjoy it. Though I did try! I tried to change my outlook/ perspective on it and I honestly did to some degree, however, instead it just went from over confidence to stupid boredom.

My career was short lived but a well learned lesson. Deeper than expected truthfully. But all in all I am glad I did it but even more glad and excited to go back to writing about miscellaneous history.

Competition

Competition can make or break an individual. In most movies and T.v. shows, you will see people who are faced with a great deal of struggle when faced with competition, but then in the end, come out thriving. I am not one of those individuals. When I was about four years old, I would eat dog food from our dog’s food dish in order to compete with the dog for the attention of my parents. During my athletic career through the YMCA, I would have an anxiety attack at almost every game due to the fear of losing and it being my fault. I did not and do not thrive under pressure, and it has forever affected how I go about my day.

I feel as though this is not the norm. I honestly wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but it seems as though I don’t really see it among my peers. Maybe they just hide it well though. But from what i can tell from my group of friends in particular, is a large group of people who were able to take what they were taught on the field or the court, and apply it in everything. They successfully compete and everything they do and come out on top far more often then the rest of us. They know how to play the game. Execute a win. The competitive people i surround myself with are strategic and know exactly how to thrive under pressure inducing circumstances.

Freshman year of high school I went out for the school volleyball team. During that time I played with individuals who had been playing for club their entire athletic career and had a very good sense of what they were doing. I did not. Because of this factor I avoided ever exerting myself. Ever trying. I never wanted to put forth an immense amount of effort only to expose the inevitable that i was not the best on the team.

This is where my problem, along with many others’ lies. I am not able to prosper, I am to scared of making mistakes that I don’t actually improve. I was not a bad volleyball play! I had a decent set and was pretty reliable when it came to serving and getting the ball over. I don’t quit though, once I start something I always complete it, but you could arguably say I never started if I never put forth all my effort. I hope to someday find something I don’t fear and care about enough to develop my true potential. Like Rudy. That’s be nice.

Eyeballs

I have many friends with blue eyes. Some stunning and some not so much. Collectively the rest tend to have brown eyes. Again, some stunning, others not so much. There are a few that also deviate, some with hazel and green. They are all beautiful though and all notably different.

Eyeballs are something I try very hard to remember about people. Eye color is a very personal thing and shows you care enough to evaluate the person, make eye contact, and value their traits. This is something very people practice, which eurks me the upmost degree but at the same time a somewhat unreasonable request.

The point of this post however, is to recognize traits, and the differing ones people have. Wide or narrow hips, high or low cheekbones, how close their eyes are, or the way their arms hang from the socket. All of these little corks are beautiful in people and when put together are an absolute work of art; creating each and every individual.

The different ones for me personally, are by far the most beautiful. And the longer you look at someone, the more beautiful they become. Maybe this is why recognizing eye color is so important to me, because it is recognizing someone. It is paying enough attention to recognize an attribution, and I find that to be immensely flattering. When someone notices how high my cheekbones are, or the how dense my eyebrows are (both actual comments I have received) I love it. I love the unique and the unusual. Though that is not the only type of beautiful.

Though I always love a unique look, sometimes there is immense beauty in simplicity. When a face just falls right, like a dress. When the nose and the eyes and the mouth all come together perfectly and create such a pretty notion. It’s remarkable really. How different people look from one another and all the possibilities that can be created. I very much and respect the work DNA puts into creating our appearance, and genuinely and truly believe that every human being is physically beautiful, even if it’s solely from being different from the rest.

Short Posts

Though out the day today I have decided to take a different approach in posting my blogs, by writing short nugget blurbs of opinions. When it comes to actually reading them they are probably far more enjoyable, but at the same time the content is incredibly mediocre. This is something, or at least symbolic of something, that I (and I assume many others) are faced with often. The easy way out. Basically the root of my anxiety the entire third term. I am not a corner cutter and if anything I make things seven-times more difficult. It is just part of who I am. In all honesty it is something that I will being seeing someone about, because it is causing self induced anxiety, which is frustrating because it is completely preventable.

This post sounds incredibly familiar, probably due to it being a reoccurring theme in my transition to personal posts… But if I’m going to be personal, it should probably encompass what is and has been occurring in my life, and that, is, anxiety.

MassiveManatee is a result of anxiety, alone with the recent surge of absences from both work and school. I have dug a very deep hole and can barely keep my head a float. Almost summer. Though that does not mean much when there is potential for this to my worst term (grade wise) in the history of my high school career. Time will only tell I suppose, since I have not put forth effort I’m not entirely sure as to how I plan on preventing the drowning, since the liquid itself is muck and drains all my energy just from trending. I am truly tired of complaining about the same thing. Over and over. But at the same time I don’t change my ways. Hamster ball.

I am heavily reliant on the summer. And that is a problem in itself. I constantly push things back as far as I possibly can beyond procrastination to the point I am having to miss school in order to finish an assignment. This reflects equally as to how I am pushing everything off for summer. Hoping I will change entirely as a person. An unrealistic and unobtainable process.

Middle School

The difference between respecting the school system and not, completely changes the out come of a person. As I am nearing my high-school experience, I am realizing how little abiding by some rules, matters. This is a notion I realized yesterday, as a group of my friends and I were talking about middle-school.

Middle-school was the absolute perfect time to make mistakes. It was the rebellion years. It was the time to not think about the future bc middle-school (6th-8th) grade, is the most pointless time of existence I think any individual can fathom. Your record is wiped bone dry by the time you get to high-school (unless you go to a school where the grades are connected in the building, them I’m sorry) but otherwise, middle is nothing. It is puberty and a sad degree of feisty self richeousness.
Fake relationships and acne.

My brother is currently in 6th grade, and causing me all sorts of irritation. Although I just promoted the deviating from social expectations in middle school, I can’t see him being that individual. The kid eat, sleeps, and shits an ego. He does not even deserve the title sassy, for in no way is it clever or appropriate. He is just blatantly rude. Though this spiel has shifted gears, I think it would be appropriate to establish middle school anonymous meetings for these ass wipes. Seriously. Anybody who teaches children daily deserves a Purple Heart or a brain scan. I genuinely hope he grows out of it soon, but being that it just started… That is very wishful thinking.

Genuinely Sorry

I have quit school. I have, without a doubt, stopped trying in the field of academics and it is the most depressing thing to realize as if I am watching it from above. But I am so done. The assignments I have turned in recently have been incredibly subpar and I truly am genuinely sorry to my teachers and the individuals it influences (myself) but with just such little time left in school, I seriously lack the motivation. I’m disappointed in myself for not being able to pick myself up from the bootstraps and just continuing, but I’m not sure how exactly to do it.

Something my mother has scolded me for a significant amount of time is appropriating time and managing myself. I’m horrific at it. It is by far my worst trait and should be recognized as a genetic muck-up… Darwinism really needs to kick in here. I really hope this trait dies with me.

I can’t manage anything beyond myself, which is not only an incredibly selfish notion, but also impractical. I couldn’t multitask if my life depended on it let alone manage and budget time appropriately. I’m also normally very distantly driven. I am able to look at the future and work for a distant goal instead of immediate, short-term happiness. That HAS NOT been the case of recent. It’s incredibly frustrating not being able to take control of your own life and I would not wish this on anyone. My goal is to find myself this summer, and get a handle on this notion… But as you can see, even from the blessed flipping blog post I am typing in this very moment I am not myself. MassiveManatee is not a emotional dump, it is a tid-bit blog… Or at least supposed to be.

Vegetables

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Vegetables are a foe of mine. A strong smelly foe. I wish it wasn’t so, I genuinely do, but sadly it is a thing. I have not enjoyed vegetables at any point in my life, I just continuously wait for the moment of when the gears finally click and my taste buds end their revolution against vitamins. It’s not fun going to Olive Garden and saying “no thank you” to the complimentary salad. I am not 6 years old! Sometimes I feel as though it reflect strongly on my diet as a whole, as if all I eat is junk food and don’t even know what a calorie is. This is not true! I understand calories, I’ve been watching my weight since I was 10 years old. I suppose the notion as a whole is just a disappointment to myself due to the fact I try very hard to eat organically and all natural non-processed food… But I can’t eat vegetables. I can’t the poster child of healthy foods. It’s a self conscious notion really, I just hope dearly that I am not looked down upon bc of my taste buds inability to get their shhhtuff in one sock and just accept vegetables.

Disappointment

The power of disappointment is so strong and crippling that it is sometimes immensely difficult to remove it’s reigns from oneself. It could easily be something that differentiates from one person to another, but it’s difficult to over come.

This post was started some time ago but I had lost interest in it up until this point, as I’ve come to realize the differing types of disappoint and how they can be interpreted. It is a very colorful scale, but over all something classifiable as uncomfortable.

Disappointment can come from anything as simple as not being able to get the Starbucks you’ve been looking forward to all day, to not being able be with your family on a holiday because of weather circumstances. Although the severity ranges, it is all rooted in an inability to control your surroundings. Disappoint, from what I have experienced, is an immediate removal of control and bc of an inability to control causes significant discomfort. Without disappoint I feel as though I wouldn’t be able to handle rough patches in my life; like a callus, disappoint is the result of actions preformed prior but in the end, prevents from the raw pain from the injury reoccurring. With out it we would be soft like peaches, but with it comes hardening and shielding.

Under the Gun

On a personal note, pressure is necessary for me to succeed. This is a strange feature being that I have general anxiety, but it is always something I have thrived under. I need it. I will not do something until I am on the cusp of a deadline and my grade depends on it. At the same time however, … It is a very thin line. VERY. As soon as I miss my deadline, I’m gone. I crack. I breakdown. I’m over. I am almost incapable of going back to that assignment and the likelihood of it never being done is very, VERY, high.

The amount of assignments that I have been given over the last 3 years is immense and difficult to put a digit on. Yet the amount of them I haven’t done the night before they are due I am probably able to count on my hands. The point is, however, the line is very thing and makes a large difference yet very important on a personal level.